Boundaries

I think that I always expected, or at the very least hoped, that as children our parents taught us "boundaries". Boundaries as in invisible lines that you never cross so that you can maintain a relationship with the rest of the world. Boundaries so that you don't upset or spin someone's life out of control. I can remember when I was in my twenties I had a friend that was having "relations" with two brothers and the brothers did not know about each other as her lover. I think that I am a very tolerant and loving person - a kind of "live and let live" person but this bothered me on boundary-type level. While have drinks one evening with her we talked about it. I asked her if she realized the ramifications of what she was doing, how it would cause such a domino effect of despair for that entire family if they each found out. I could see a family divided by two brothers fighting, one not going to Thanksgiving or Christmas with the family if the other attends. A mother and father and other siblings having to take sides, the exhaustion of this deep crack in their family that was brought on by an outside party. That's how I felt. She, on the hand, shrugged and said it was just the way that it was. Boundaries - missing a social boundary. Lately I had the experience of someone crossing a huge boundary with me. HUGE, as in I am having trouble sleeping, crying at odd times, and feeling horrible. This was brought on my a neighbor. Yes, a neighbor that was suppose to be a friend. Her husband and my husband are best friends, she and I are, well, acquaintances of sorts that do things together as two couples because of our husbands. My husband is currently out of town while his mother has major surgery so I am at home with my son. This woman took it upon herself to come over the other day and say "I'd like to talk you". I immediately thought it had something to do with my son because she complains about my son all of the time because it is easier that blaming her own son. I said "okay" and we proceeded to my Florida room in the back. This woman went on about my marriage, about my relationship with my husband of 18 years. How horrible I was, repeating a story that was just not true in the way that she repeated it, and how, since I have been out of work, how useless and unhelpful I am and placing such a burden on him. At first I listened and when she started with the story I started laughing saying "oh really, but..." she interrupted and said "I'M NOT LAUGHING". Really? It was at this point my common sense kicked in and I realized I was trying to justify and explain something that clearly was not her business. My very own mother or sister would not sit down and say the things that she said to me. SHE'S A NEIGHBOR! Obviously there is something going on in my marriage but obviously it is between my husband and me. I thought "how dare she". I said "hey, you know what - I don't think that is really your business or your call and I would like you to leave please". She responded by crossing her arms and saying "no, I'm not going". If you are reading this, are you thinking WTF? Yep, me too. I walk to garage door and open it for her and say "leave please". Nope, she says that I am "LUCKY" that it was her over here talking to me and not her husband! Whoa, really. It equated to "you are lucky your dad isn't here". The whole incident ended with me screaming at the top of my lungs TO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! Other neighbors heard. The last thing she said to me was "you are going to be all alone blah blah" I didn't hear the rest. I have seen this woman cross boundaries before with other people and other people's families. Actually I have seen it many times with her, but it sure is different when it happens to you. This leaves me wondering... have I taught my son boundaries? Does he know that he shouldn't cause problems for other families? I would like to think that he does but I'm going to have a long conversation with him - especially since he heard and saw the yelling that day. (At one point she was trying to call him over to tell him stuff as well). Whatever my decision in my life I come to it will be mine and mine alone. This is my life. Until someone walks in my shoes and knows all my thoughts and secrets they should back off. All I can say is Shame On Her.

I learned something. I learned something very important, it may have been something I always knew but when it came to light, I realized the importance of it. It's no secret that I am going through a rather "challenging" time (let's say). I think that as we all know, challenging times in our lives feel very lonely and isolated. It's a lot of people telling you "it will be okay" "or this will pass", kind words but words we hear many times and, although they are said to make us feel better or remind of us that things will pass, they don't really make you feel anything. What I learned was this and it's two people that share in this gift. First is my sister Lauren. When I texted her the last time with a few sentences of "how it was really going" her response was "oh no, what are we going to?" What are "we" going to do. It was like someone was actually feeling and sharing in my burden. The hope and strength of knowing that family is out there, although very far away, was so comforting and warm. It meant everything to me. The other is my friend Becky. Becky and I have been internet friends for many years now. I have a love for Becky's soul and I can't explain it. For some reason, I just know that she is out there. When I posted my last blog of my unemployment woes Becky's response was "how can I help you from over here". Again, such a warm and soulful feeling of knowing someone would reach out and help me if I asked. Just the knowing is that all that needed. That's what I learned. I learned that when people are going through whatever they are going through, saying "it will pass" or "bummer" should be "how can WE fix this?" "how can I help". It's a game changer. My lesson is learned and I will move forward carrying it and understanding better. Thank you both.

Saturday

So my last post was Day 2 of unemployment. Posting today, it has now been one year. January 2012 was when I was laid off of my job. I was reading the "stories of the unemployed" on Huffington Post the other day and totally related. Some days you wake up and think "this will be the day" and you attack your job searching tasks with eagerness and a positive outlook while other days are "why bother" and "I give up". The fact of the matter is you can't give up. This week alone I have applied to 14 jobs. Not a typo - FOURTEEN. What is crazy is that some of the ways that companies have you apply is a very, very lengthy process. What's worse, is when you take the 25 minutes to complete their complicated application process and then you push "apply" or "send" and it comes up with some internal error so when you go back, all information gone! What is really disheartening is when I do get an interview and the woman told me she received 117 resumes. Most companies don't even bother to respond that they received your application/resume. Oh, oh - here's something that you may not know - there are scumbags out there that prey on the unemployed! They post fake jobs, you apply to them, then they send you a great offer, and then try to steal your identity (not that my identity is worth stealing these days). I received one the other day (they found my resume on a job posting site like Monster) and said "we will pay you $300 a week to wrap your car in an advertisement." I Googled that and found out the scam was that they would send you a check for over the $300 (an advanced payment) as well as an additional payment for the Graphic Designer. You are supposed to Western Union the additional monies to this address they provide. You guessed it, the check is no good and you are out the money you sent. I Google everything that comes my way and found out that there are actually these people who think that the unemployed are great targets. So wrong, so very wrong. I have certainly re-certified my thinking of "you are NOT what you do, you are who you are" but today I figured out that this is who I am now (in no particular order): - the janitor - the maid (housekeeping, can I come in?) - the koi pond maintenance engineer (have kept those 3 suckers alive which isn't easy I tell you) - the dog trainer (Bailey - great, Lola - naughty) - the dog waste picker upper (I'm #1 in the #2 business) - contract negotiator (lawn man, I'm broke, don't come as often please) - swimming pool cleaner - swimming pool maintenance engineer - chef - fast food cook - dishwasher - errand runner - doctor - laundry lady - lawn maintenance engineer (with a Masters in weed pulling) - veterinarian (I even pulled a long, rope-like, waste cover thing out of a big dog's butt) - neighborhood watch person (hey, strange truck at your house) - package receiver (yea, they aren't home, I'll sign for it) I often wonder how all this got done when I left for work at 7:00 am and arrived back at 5:30 pm. I guess it didn't, or it was jammed into weekends. The biggest thing about unemployment is - it is very lonely. My conversations are with the pharmacist or the check out person at the grocery store. When Kyle comes home from school I beg for conversation with an update on his day but being a 17 year old teenager I get "fine", "okay", "I dunno". I think that I am a little surprised by my past work "friends". Certain relationships that I had there I thought for sure would stay and be more than the work friend. It was, for about one month after my job ended. I don't hear from any of them now, at all. The ones that I do hear from that check in on me periodically were the ones that I never expected to keep in contact. Who knew? Okay, so one year and counting. This will end very soon, let's all be certain of that. Something has got to give. Be certain though, I am on a tough road right now but it is not tough enough to stop me from laughing, singing, dancing while I clean, and appreciating a day for what it is. January I started my Grateful Journal listing five things I'm grateful for (periodically - wish I could say I do it daily but um, nope). I do it at a grateful journal site (it's kept private). I like it, it keeps you focused on what is important. If you read this (and I'm not sure who does anymore since it's been so long) I would love for you to leave a comment. Hey, contact is contact right? Keeping centered for now..love,love, love.

Unemployment - Day 2 (actual)

Finding being home by myself isolating and lonely. I realized going work was actually quite social, hearing about weekends, milestones in children's lives, and then being cut off from everyone and everything. Wandered around a lot in the morning and found myself talking out loud to Bailey (the dog). Finally around noon-ish I settled on cleaning K's room. Took two hours of de-whatever that is in a teenager's room but was quite satisfying once completed. Weekend is here so - PEOPLE!!

Unemployment - Day 2

So having been laid off my job of over five years, today is Day 2 of unemployment. Day 1 (obviously yesterday) was a little hard to explain. I slept in until 7:00 (a full 45 minutes later than a workday) then I seem to roam around the house. Doing nothing. Looking at stuff kind of like I'd never seen it before. I sat on a bench in the backyard for a while watching the dogs. Then i decided I should actually "do something". I dusted the living room and then grabbed the vacuum. This was when I decided I needed sweatpants. If I was going to hang around the house I needed something to wear and wearing my nightie all day made me look, well, unproductive. I headed off with hot little Kohl's credit card in search of sweatpants. I found out that NOBODY is shopping at 1:30-ish in the afternoon. The store is ghost town. Meandered around there for a while - bought the pants, a shirt for Kyle, a new nightie (on sale of course) and new shoes (oops). I did try to do my "making the meals since I'm home thing" which was only a 50% failure - or 50% success. I did baked, from scratch mac and cheese but that's all. Dinner is...this side dish. Baby steps...baby steps...
Okay here comes day 2.

Happy Sunday

I kind of feel like this today.